Football

A competition involving the attempt to score/fertilise goals/eggs with a ball/sperm propelled by humans.

Admirror

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
— Ambrose Bierce

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
— Ambrose Bierce

Mixed Metaphunction

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
— Ambrose Bierce

Semiotics Anagram

A Gender Not Hidden

Every man for himself.
— Laurie Anderson 'Big Science'

He said: Isn't it. Isn't it just like a woman?
She said: It takes. It takes one. It takes on to. It takes one to know one.
He said: Isn't it just like a woman?
She said: She said it. She said it to no. She said it to no one.
— Laurie Anderson 'It Tango'

The Discovery Of North America

1492. As children we were taught to memorise this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
— Kurt Vonnegut

Economics Anagram

The Three Arse

"Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied; "and then the different branches of Arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Otherwisdom

Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Sound Sense

Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Might Just As Well

"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least — at least I mean what I say — that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. "You might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!"
"You might just as well say," added the March Hare, "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!"
"You might just as well say," added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'!"
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Mot Riddle

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
 — Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

(Because Poe wrote on both.)

Beeing And Bisectedness

Half a bee, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?
…
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee
When half the bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury?
…
Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!
…
I love this hive, employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.

— Monty Python 'Eric The Half A Bee'

How Academia Works

Brian: Are you the Judæan People's Front?

Reg: Fuck off!

Brian: What?

Reg: Judæan People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judæa! Judæan People's Front … cor!

Francis: Wankers!

Brian: Can I join your group?

Reg: No. Piss off!

Brian: I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PFJ: Sssh, ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh

Judith: Are you sure?

Brian: Oh. Dead sure ... I hate the Romans already!

Reg: Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh yeah? How much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judæan People's Front.

PFJ: Yeah

Judith: Splitters!

Francis: And the Judæan Popular People's Front.

PFJ: Oh yeah. Splitters!

Loretta: And the People's Front of Judæa.

PFJ: Splitters!

Reg: What?

Loretta: The People's Front of Judæa. Splitters!

Reg: We're the People's Front of Judæa!

Loretta: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

Reg: People's Front!

Francis: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

Reg: He's over there.

Proof Of The Existence Of Nothing

"The problem of the specious present supports a universal nihilism, the view that nothing whatsoever exists.

In order for something to exist it must have duration, it must exist for a certain amount of time. To say that something exists for no time at all, that at the very moment that it comes into existence it also passes out of it, is to say that it doesn’t exist at all. Unicorns exist for no time at all; so do square circles. Things that exist for no time at all don’t exist. In order for something to exist it must have duration.

The past and the future do not exist; they are not there, in the world. Perhaps the past once existed, and perhaps its effects can still be seen in the world today, but the past doesn’t exist now; if it exists now, then where is it? And perhaps the future will exist one day, but it doesn’t exist yet; again, if it exists now, then where is it? The past and the future clearly do not exist; the universe consists only of the gap between them, the present.

How large is the gap between the past and the future? What is the duration of the present? A minute? A second? A nano-second?

Clearly the present does not last as long as a minute. A minute consists of different temporal parts. First comes its beginning, then its middle, and then its end. Each of its parts occurs at a different time. If its beginning is present then its middle and end are future. If its middle is present, then its beginning is past and its end is future. If its end is present then its beginning and middle are past. If the present lasted as long as a minute then it would consist of past, present, and future elements, but that would be absurd; the present must be wholly present.

The same, though, could be said if the present were of shorter duration, lasting only a second, or even only a nano-second. In either case, the present would have temporal parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. If its beginning were present then its middle and end would be future. If its middle were present, then its beginning would be past and its end would be future. If its end were present then its beginning and middle would be past. If the present has any duration at all then it consists of past, present, and future elements, but that, as I said before, would be absurd.

The present, then, has no duration; there is no gap between the past and the future. It has already been seen, though, that to say that something has no duration is to say that it does not exist. The present, then, like the past and the future, does not exist.

If there is neither past, nor present, nor future, though, then what is there? Nothing. Nothing exists at all. Universal nihilism is true."

Ethnocentrism

Every time you touch this place it feels like sin.
Every time the handshake starts the face draws in.
What do you know about this world, anyway?
Here comes the sun, an American son.
In here the sun shines so bright, eyes blind.
What do you know about this world, anyway?
— Simple Minds 'The American'

Exclusive Anagram

I Don't Even Have A Dog!

I'm ankle deep in human waste
the toilet has been clogged
marrowbone jelly all over the place
I don't even have a dog
the man upstairs he grabs my arm
saying don't I know your dad
all I could hear were the fire alarms
the day my pad went MAD

all I could hear were the fire alarms
the day my pad went MAD

The kitchen has been ransacked
ski trails in the hall
a chicken has been dansacked
and thrown against the wall
in walks this dumb waiter
with a fountain pen and pad
saying how do you want this alligator
the day my pad went MAD

saying how do you want this alligator
the day my pad went MAD

The hamster had been slaughtered
the parrot bound and gagged
the guard dog had been sorted out
and absolutely shagged
the goldfish drowned, the cat was found
kicked around and stabbed
the radio did not make a sound
the day my pad went MAD

the radio did not make a sound
the day my pad went MAD

the pop-up toaster refused to pop
the chandelier was smashed
the starter motor would not stop
the tyres had been slashed
there was no way out of there
I was stuck with what I had
out of order, beyond repair
the day my pad went MAD

out of order, beyond repair
the day my pad went MAD

yesterday I had the place rewired
and slung out all of my junk
a tumble dryer and a two bar fire
and a telephone now defunct
I peeped through the venetian blinds
and the rain fell down so sad
on the broken home I left behind
the day my pad went MAD

on the broken home I left behind
the day my pad went MAD

— John Cooper Clarke 'The Day My Pad Went Mad'

Lawful

Every night and every day
The awfulisers work away
Awfulising public places,
Favourite things and little graces
Awfulising lovely treasures
Common joys and simple pleasures
Awfulising far and near
The parts of life we held so dear
Democratic, clean and lawful
Awful, awful, awful, awful.
— Michæl Leunig 'Awfulise — Awfulisation — To Be An Awfuliser'

Colinectomy

Colin Powell has had it tough
And now he says he's had enough;
He's going back to private life:
The house, the garden and the wife;
The golden memories returning
Of Baghdad and its children burning.
How nice to see a man retire
And put his feet up by the fire.
— Michæl Leunig

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
— Kurt Vonnegut

Bogan History

The word 'bogan' — Irish 'bogán' — literally means 'soft ground' or 'shell-less egg'. Colloquially, in Ireland it is used to refer to someone who is soft in the head, while in Scotland it means 'effeminate'.

Waiting Worlds

Let's swim to the moon,
Let's climb through the tide
Penetrate the evenin' that the
City sleeps to hide
…
Let's swim to the moon,
Let's climb through the tide
Surrender to the waiting worlds
That lap against our side

— Jim Morrison 'Moonlight Drive'

Patterns On The Window After Rain

I stretch my hands,
clutch vacant laughter
in silence and sweet, sweet pain;
without demand,
but with a longing
for what will never come again.

I smell your perfume
on the sheets in the morning:
it lingers like the patterns
on the window after rain,
a past that lives,
if only for the present,
but which is gone and will never come again.

To your sad eyes,
turned away, mine say
'Do you? Did you? How?'
As the darkness
slides away the day
shows what was
and makes what is now.

I see your picture
as though it were a mirror
but there's no part of you
outside the frame
except the change that you gave to me:
this will never come again.

I am me,
I was so before you,
but afterwards I am not the same.
You are gone
and I am with you:
this will never come again.

— Peter Hammill 'Again'

Great Expectations

Politicians, real-estate agents, used-car salesmen, and advertising copy-writers are expected to stretch facts in self-serving directions, but scientists who falsify their results are regarded by their peers as committing an inexcusable crime. Yet the sad fact is that the history of science swarms with cases of outright fakery and instances of scientists who unconsciously distorted their work by seeing it through lenses of passionately held beliefs.

 — Martin Gardner

Alimentary Anagram

Mixed Metaphor

Las Vegas … "the neon armpit of American vomit" …
It's not just the vile architecture or the seedy criminality that seem to underpin the city's raison d'être. It's the triumphalism of vulgar excess.
— Doug Anderson

Commercials Television

… a tribute to 21st century stupidity …
Speaking of stupidity and the pursuit of mediocrity …
… humiliation is the pivotal element and the ignominy of being insulted in the privacy of your own lounge room matches the public shaming of studio contestants.
— Doug Anderson

Masochistic viewers and those who derive enjoyment from staring at a box of dead fish won't want to miss this slab of demeaning televisual haddock … modelled on the humiliation–based American series …
— Doug Anderson

Fear Of Otherness

The games you play make people say
You’re either weird or lonely
— Nick Drake 'At The Chime Of A City Clock'

The Bleak

This is just a coal town
And all the people there
Are sheltering from the cold winds
On the crest of the big bleak hill

And Mary's got an argument
The argument's quite loud
And the shouting's entertainment
To the other folk around

And the gossip's been getting out of hand
It's a ruthless old sound
And no–one's out there working
'Cos there's none to be found
And when the steam builds up inside you
And there's no place to fall
Well there is nothing quite as harmful
As the slow moving day

It's a town that they make films about
Because the bleak's quite beautiful
When the light and the delicate features
Are captured very still

And so much for all the history
The Martyrs and the Kings —
When the fight that was the good fight
Was the fight that you didn't win

— David Bridie 'The Gossip'

Mind The Gap

He knew the world and its absurdities as only an intelligent Irishman can; which is to say that where his knowledge or memory failed him, his imagination was always ready to fill the gap.
— John Fowles 'The French Lieutenant's Woman'