Wednesday, 30 June 2010

I Don't Even Have A Dog!

I'm ankle deep in human waste
the toilet has been clogged
marrowbone jelly all over the place
I don't even have a dog
the man upstairs he grabs my arm
saying don't I know your dad
all I could hear were the fire alarms
the day my pad went MAD

all I could hear were the fire alarms
the day my pad went MAD

The kitchen has been ransacked
ski trails in the hall
a chicken has been dansacked
and thrown against the wall
in walks this dumb waiter
with a fountain pen and pad
saying how do you want this alligator
the day my pad went MAD

saying how do you want this alligator
the day my pad went MAD

The hamster had been slaughtered
the parrot bound and gagged
the guard dog had been sorted out
and absolutely shagged
the goldfish drowned, the cat was found
kicked around and stabbed
the radio did not make a sound
the day my pad went MAD

the radio did not make a sound
the day my pad went MAD

the pop-up toaster refused to pop
the chandelier was smashed
the starter motor would not stop
the tyres had been slashed
there was no way out of there
I was stuck with what I had
out of order, beyond repair
the day my pad went MAD

out of order, beyond repair
the day my pad went MAD

yesterday I had the place rewired
and slung out all of my junk
a tumble dryer and a two bar fire
and a telephone now defunct
I peeped through the venetian blinds
and the rain fell down so sad
on the broken home I left behind
the day my pad went MAD

on the broken home I left behind
the day my pad went MAD

— John Cooper Clarke 'The Day My Pad Went Mad'

Lawful

Every night and every day
The awfulisers work away
Awfulising public places,
Favourite things and little graces
Awfulising lovely treasures
Common joys and simple pleasures
Awfulising far and near
The parts of life we held so dear
Democratic, clean and lawful
Awful, awful, awful, awful.
— Michæl Leunig 'Awfulise — Awfulisation — To Be An Awfuliser'

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Colinectomy

Colin Powell has had it tough
And now he says he's had enough;
He's going back to private life:
The house, the garden and the wife;
The golden memories returning
Of Baghdad and its children burning.
How nice to see a man retire
And put his feet up by the fire.
— Michæl Leunig

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
— Kurt Vonnegut

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Bogan History

The word 'bogan' — Irish 'bogán' — literally means 'soft ground' or 'shell-less egg'. Colloquially, in Ireland it is used to refer to someone who is soft in the head, while in Scotland it means 'effeminate'.

Waiting Worlds


Let's swim to the moon,
Let's climb through the tide
Penetrate the evenin' that the
City sleeps to hide

Let's swim to the moon,
Let's climb through the tide
Surrender to the waiting worlds
That lap against our side

— Jim Morrison 'Moonlight Drive'

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Patterns On The Window After Rain

I stretch my hands,
clutch vacant laughter
in silence and sweet, sweet pain;
without demand,
but with a longing
for what will never come again.

I smell your perfume
on the sheets in the morning:
it lingers like the patterns
on the window after rain,
a past that lives,
if only for the present,
but which is gone and will never come again.

To your sad eyes,
turned away, mine say
'Do you? Did you? How?'
As the darkness
slides away the day
shows what was
and makes what is now.

I see your picture
as though it were a mirror
but there's no part of you
outside the frame
except the change that you gave to me:
this will never come again.

I am me,
I was so before you,
but afterwards I am not the same.
You are gone
and I am with you:
this will never come again.

— Peter Hammill 'Again'

Friday, 25 June 2010

Great Expectations

Politicians, real-estate agents, used-car salesmen, and advertising copy-writers are expected to stretch facts in self-serving directions, but scientists who falsify their results are regarded by their peers as committing an inexcusable crime. Yet the sad fact is that the history of science swarms with cases of outright fakery and instances of scientists who unconsciously distorted their work by seeing it through lenses of passionately held beliefs.
 — Martin Gardner

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Alimentary Anagram


Mixed Metaphor

Las Vegas … "the neon armpit of American vomit" …
It's not just the vile architecture or the seedy criminality that seem to underpin the city's raison d'être. It's the triumphalism of vulgar excess.
— Doug Anderson

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Commercials Television

… a tribute to 21st century stupidity …
Speaking of stupidity and the pursuit of mediocrity …
… humiliation is the pivotal element and the ignominy of being insulted in the privacy of your own lounge room matches the public shaming of studio contestants.
— Doug Anderson

Masochistic viewers and those who derive enjoyment from staring at a box of dead fish won't want to miss this slab of demeaning televisual haddock … modelled on the humiliation–based American series …
— Doug Anderson

Fear Of Otherness

The games you play make people say
You’re either weird or lonely
— Nick Drake 'At The Chime Of A City Clock'

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The Bleak

This is just a coal town
And all the people there
Are sheltering from the cold winds
On the crest of the big bleak hill

And Mary's got an argument
The argument's quite loud
And the shouting's entertainment
To the other folk around

And the gossip's been getting out of hand
It's a ruthless old sound
And no–one's out there working
'Cos there's none to be found
And when the steam builds up inside you
And there's no place to fall
Well there is nothing quite as harmful
As the slow moving day

It's a town that they make films about
Because the bleak's quite beautiful
When the light and the delicate features
Are captured very still

And so much for all the history
The Martyrs and the Kings —
When the fight that was the good fight
Was the fight that you didn't win

— David Bridie 'The Gossip'

Monday, 21 June 2010

Mind The Gap

He knew the world and its absurdities as only an intelligent Irishman can; which is to say that where his knowledge or memory failed him, his imagination was always ready to fill the gap.
— John Fowles 'The French Lieutenant's Woman'

Sunday, 20 June 2010

The Darkest Corners


A valueless collection of hopes and past desires.
— Ian Curtis 'Twenty-Four Hours'

The Edge Of No Escape

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I've lost control again,
And of a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.

And she turned around and took me by the hand
And said I've lost control again.
And how I'll never know just why or understand
She said I've lost control again.
And she screamed out kicking on her side
And said I've lost control again.
And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die.
She said I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

Well I had to phone her friend to state my case,
And say she's lost control again.
And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I've lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

I could live a little better with the myths and the lies,
When the darkness broke in, I just broke down and cried.
I could live a little in a wider line,
When the change is gone, when the urge is gone,
To lose control. When here we come.

— Ian Curtis 'She's Lost Control'

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Away From The Shoals

You live your life as if it's real,
a thousand kisses deep.
— Leonard Cohen 'A Thousand Kisses Deep'

Friday, 18 June 2010

Jealous Guard

But whose head is this she's dancing with on the threshing floor
whose darkness deepens in her arms a little more
— Leonard Cohen 'The Gypsy's Wife'

Over

The stars in the heavens still shine
up above me:
how lovely they'd seem
if you were with me
but you're gone through the looking-glass
and I am left to pass these nights alone.

I'm lost, I'm dumb, I'm blind,
I am drunk with sadness,
sunk by madness,
the wave overwhelms me,
the mirror repels me,
the echo of your laugh
drifts through the looking-glass
and I am alone.

No friendship, no comfort, no future, no home,
the past lingers with me:
you're all the love I've ever known
and without you I'm nothing
but empty and silent,
reflecting on all that I've lost.
I let you slip away so soon.

Can you hear me? This is my song:
I am dying; you are gone.

These words are not enough to save my soul,
they just mock me from the mirror.
I'm cold and I'm yearning,
I've told you I'm burning,
my eyes can't stand the light...
like a stray dog in the night
I'll shuffle off alone.

We all make our futures
but I have lost mine;
I'm hoping for a miracle
but finding no sign....

The stars in their constellations,
each one just sadly flickers and falls...
without you they mean nothing at all.

— Peter Hammill 'This Side Of The Looking-Glass'

Thursday, 17 June 2010

The Prayer Of Power

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
— Leonard Cohen 'Anthem'

Wall Street

We all know that filthy behaviour and arrogant decadence are endemic in the investment/banking milieu of New York …
— Doug Anderson

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Re Joyce: It's Bloomsday

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

Hold to the now, the here, through which all future plunges to the past.

The heaventree of stars hung with humid nightblue fruit.

The snotgreen sea. The scrotumtightening sea.

I fear those big words, Stephen said, which make us so unhappy.

We feel in England that we have treated you rather unfairly. It seems history is to blame.

— James Joyce 'Ulysses'

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Dated Carbon

A much updated ruin
From a much outdated style
— Nick Drake 'Fruit Tree'

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Tradition

One generation treading on the toes of its predecessors — that’s what tradition means.
— Alan Bennett 'Forty Years On'

Friday, 11 June 2010

Police

There is nothing more unæsthetic than a policeman.
— Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 'The Sign Of The Four'

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Original Dark Intelligent Television

Psychoville
The League Of Gentlemen
Human Remains
Marion And Geoff

Magic

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

I've been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long that I'm blown
I've been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye.

Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me 'til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

— Nick Drake 'Northern Sky'

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Military Service

You fought in a war for me, you mug!
— Alan Davies

Letters To The Editor

I'm so worried about what's happenin' today, in the
Middle East, you know.
And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system
they've got at Heathrow.
I'm so worried about the fashions today, I don't think
they're good for your feet.
And I'm so worried about the shows on TV that sometimes
they want to repeat.

I'm so worried about what's happenin' today, you know.
And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've
got at Heathrow.
I'm so worried about my hair falling out and the state of
the world today.
And I'm so worried about bein' so full of doubt about
everything, anyway.

I'm so worried about modern technology.
I'm so worried about all the things that they
dump in the sea.
I'm so worried about it, worried about it, worried,
worried, worried.

I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong.
I'm so worried about whether people like this song.
I'm so worried about this very next verse, it isn't
the best that I've got.
And I'm so worried about whether I should go on, or
whether I should just stop.

(pause)

I'm worried about whether I ought to have stopped.
And I'm worried because, it's the sort of thing I ought
to know.
And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system
they've got at Heathrow.

(longer pause)

I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then.
I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone 'round the bend.
I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

— Monty Python 'I'm So Worried'

Monday, 7 June 2010

Why Humans And Chimps Belong To The Same Genus

Humans (Homo sapiens sapiens) and the two chimpanzee species (Pan paniscus and Pan troglodytes) are more closely related to each other than horses are related to donkeys.
Horses and donkeys are of the same genus, Equus.

If more distantly related species like horses and donkeys form a single genus, so too do more closely related species like humans and chimps.

This means that all extinct species that share a common ancestor with humans and chimps, including Australopithecines, also belong to the genus that includes humans and chimps.

Genera and species are biological categories, and biological categories are defined on biological criteria only. The allocation of humans and chimps to different genera derives from the mythological tradition of the West — the three Abrahamic traditions that actually go back to Zoroaster of Persia — which separates humans from the rest of Nature, which it sees as 'fallen'.

Standards

Standards always ARE out of date!
That's what makes them STANDARDS!
— Alan Bennett 'Forty Years On'

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Genius

Solitude is better for weeding out ideas than for creating them. Genius is the summed production of the many …
— Edward O. Wilson