Ugly Customer

Well he was an ugly guy.
With an ugly face.
An also ran
in the human race.
And even God got sad
just looking at him.
— Laurie Anderson 'Gravity's Angel'

Indifference To The Suffering Of Others

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
— Leonard Cohen 'In My Secret Life'

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along
— WH Auden 'Musée Des Beaux Arts'

It's despair at the lack of feeling, of love, of reason in the world. It's despair that anyone can even contemplate the idea of dropping a bomb or ordering that it should be dropped. It's despair that so few of us care. It's despair that there's so much brutality and callousness in the world.
— John Fowles 'The Collector'

A most depressing thing occurs
But no-one minds and no-one stirs,
Which means you've ended up with two
Depressing things depressing you.
— Michæl Leunig 'The Two Depressing Things'

How nice — to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
— Kurt Vonnegut

What Is It Good For?

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
— Ambrose Bierce

Homicidal Maniac

The Old Testament God might well have benefited from a rudimentary course on anger management.

Tour de Langue

Huge crowds follow the Tour de France; some of them, of course, have no choice because the roads are closed and they can't go anywhere.
— Phil Liggett

Since he had that tetanus injection he hasn't been able to find his legs.
— Phil Liggett

He was wiped out in sight of the finish.
— Phil Liggett

When they literally hit the wall, they're going to lose some time.
— Phil Liggett

They tried this on the slopes of the Alps and they destroyed themselves — so they need to be careful.
— Phil Liggett

The computer's running around like a very busy machine here today.
— Phil Liggett

There's some serious ravaging going on at the head of the field.
— Paul Sherwen

He would not assassinate his squad unless he thought he had a good chance of winning the race.
— Paul Sherwen

I think that's what they'll do: they'll asphyxiate a lot of guys.
— Paul Sherwen

He was an integral part of assassinating the field.
— Paul Sherwen

These roads are Belgian roads and they're always dangerous.
— Paul Sherwen

If Moreau goes for that, he will be tickling the back end of Chartreau for the King Of The Mountain competition.
— Paul Sherwen

If I were in this leading group, I would feel a little bit of trepidation creeping into my morale.
— Paul Sherwen

You can see a lot of enthusiasm being dished out into the pace–making.
— Paul Sherwen

The first part of this race was inundated by very high temperatures.
— Paul Sherwen

The time trial will smile to his advantage.
— Paul Sherwen

He's eating across this gap.
— Paul Sherwen

France is the centre of Europe.
— Paul Sherwen

We're in the middle of nowhere, we're in the middle of France.
— Paul Sherwen

They have their own form of language in this region, the Gascon language, which is half between Spanish and half between Basque.
— Paul Sherwen

Isn't it amazing how coincidences happen?!
— Paul Sherwen

Isn't fate a funny thing?!
— Paul Sherwen

Thirst Quenching

Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality.
— Carl Sagan 'The Demon-Haunted World'

Myth

… whenever a myth has been taken literally its sense has been perverted; but also, reciprocally, … whenever it has been dismissed as a mere priestly fraud or sign of inferior intelligence, truth has slipped out the other door.
— Joseph Campbell

Warning Girls Through Metaphor

The folk tale 'Pinocchio' can be read as allegorical for the inverse correlation of male truthfulness with male sexual arousal.

Tourist Anagram

Shock The Monkey

All bridges burning behind me,
all safety beyond reach ...
the monkey feels his chains out blindly,
only to find himself released.
— Peter Hammill 'La Rossa'

The Criminal Mind

Frank Sinatra's favourite Lennon & McCartney song was 'Something' by George Harrison.

Spin

Well, that's like hypnotising chickens.
— Iggy Pop 'Lust For Life'

The Dispossessed

We carry in our hearts the true country
And that cannot be stolen
We follow in the steps of our ancestry
And that cannot be broken
— Midnight Oil 'Dead Heart'

Sense Of Place

And I was green, greener than the hill
Where flowers grew and sun shone still
Now I’m darker than the deepest sea
Just hand me down, give me a place to be
— Nick Drake 'Place To Be'

Hola!

Ól é!
is Irish for
'Drink it!'

Botanical Anagram

Disappearing Nuances

Envy: wanting what someone else has
Jealousy: not wanting someone else to have what you have

Alternate: every other one
Alternative: another

Sects Anagram

Unsurprising Anagram

L'Étranger

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
— Ambrose Bierce

Boofheadism

When do jingoism and patriotism tip over into boofheaded nationalism, elitism, or worse, racism?
— Doug Anderson

Town Planning

Rome wasn't built in a day — it just looks that way.
— Doug Anderson

Football

A competition involving the attempt to score/fertilise goals/eggs with a ball/sperm propelled by humans.

Admirror

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
— Ambrose Bierce

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
— Ambrose Bierce

Mixed Metaphunction

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
— Ambrose Bierce

Semiotics Anagram

A Gender Not Hidden

Every man for himself.
— Laurie Anderson 'Big Science'

He said: Isn't it. Isn't it just like a woman?
She said: It takes. It takes one. It takes on to. It takes one to know one.
He said: Isn't it just like a woman?
She said: She said it. She said it to no. She said it to no one.
— Laurie Anderson 'It Tango'

The Discovery Of North America

1492. As children we were taught to memorise this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
— Kurt Vonnegut

Economics Anagram

The Three Arse

"Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied; "and then the different branches of Arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Otherwisdom

Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Sound Sense

Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Might Just As Well

"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least — at least I mean what I say — that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. "You might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!"
"You might just as well say," added the March Hare, "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!"
"You might just as well say," added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'!"
— Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

Mot Riddle

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
 — Lewis Carroll 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'

(Because Poe wrote on both.)

Beeing And Bisectedness

Half a bee, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?
…
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee
When half the bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury?
…
Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!
…
I love this hive, employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.

— Monty Python 'Eric The Half A Bee'

How Academia Works

Brian: Are you the Judæan People's Front?

Reg: Fuck off!

Brian: What?

Reg: Judæan People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judæa! Judæan People's Front … cor!

Francis: Wankers!

Brian: Can I join your group?

Reg: No. Piss off!

Brian: I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PFJ: Sssh, ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh

Judith: Are you sure?

Brian: Oh. Dead sure ... I hate the Romans already!

Reg: Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh yeah? How much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judæan People's Front.

PFJ: Yeah

Judith: Splitters!

Francis: And the Judæan Popular People's Front.

PFJ: Oh yeah. Splitters!

Loretta: And the People's Front of Judæa.

PFJ: Splitters!

Reg: What?

Loretta: The People's Front of Judæa. Splitters!

Reg: We're the People's Front of Judæa!

Loretta: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

Reg: People's Front!

Francis: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

Reg: He's over there.

Proof Of The Existence Of Nothing

"The problem of the specious present supports a universal nihilism, the view that nothing whatsoever exists.

In order for something to exist it must have duration, it must exist for a certain amount of time. To say that something exists for no time at all, that at the very moment that it comes into existence it also passes out of it, is to say that it doesn’t exist at all. Unicorns exist for no time at all; so do square circles. Things that exist for no time at all don’t exist. In order for something to exist it must have duration.

The past and the future do not exist; they are not there, in the world. Perhaps the past once existed, and perhaps its effects can still be seen in the world today, but the past doesn’t exist now; if it exists now, then where is it? And perhaps the future will exist one day, but it doesn’t exist yet; again, if it exists now, then where is it? The past and the future clearly do not exist; the universe consists only of the gap between them, the present.

How large is the gap between the past and the future? What is the duration of the present? A minute? A second? A nano-second?

Clearly the present does not last as long as a minute. A minute consists of different temporal parts. First comes its beginning, then its middle, and then its end. Each of its parts occurs at a different time. If its beginning is present then its middle and end are future. If its middle is present, then its beginning is past and its end is future. If its end is present then its beginning and middle are past. If the present lasted as long as a minute then it would consist of past, present, and future elements, but that would be absurd; the present must be wholly present.

The same, though, could be said if the present were of shorter duration, lasting only a second, or even only a nano-second. In either case, the present would have temporal parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. If its beginning were present then its middle and end would be future. If its middle were present, then its beginning would be past and its end would be future. If its end were present then its beginning and middle would be past. If the present has any duration at all then it consists of past, present, and future elements, but that, as I said before, would be absurd.

The present, then, has no duration; there is no gap between the past and the future. It has already been seen, though, that to say that something has no duration is to say that it does not exist. The present, then, like the past and the future, does not exist.

If there is neither past, nor present, nor future, though, then what is there? Nothing. Nothing exists at all. Universal nihilism is true."

Ethnocentrism

Every time you touch this place it feels like sin.
Every time the handshake starts the face draws in.
What do you know about this world, anyway?
Here comes the sun, an American son.
In here the sun shines so bright, eyes blind.
What do you know about this world, anyway?
— Simple Minds 'The American'

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